Monday, December 17, 2007

i want a bean feast

i am continually disappointed in the whole "secret santa" game. every year upon opening my gift and discovering a level of suckatude i didn't think existed, i decree that "i will not be doing it next christmas"...and yet every christmas, i find myself drawing a name from that damnable hat. or cup. or bowl...ok...receptacle. i suppose the negativity takes away from the spirit of giving and of the season, but shit, i am tired of receiving crap gifts.

despite my misgivings, i do actually look forward to secret santa--i have a naive hope that the person who gets my name is as kick-ass a gift giver as i am--see, i can be an optimist. however, my name always tends to end up in the hands of someone who thinks a chia pet is a great present.
..you know, i've never actually received a chia pet. i did give one to my sister once, but she actually wanted it.

my gifts usually consist of garbage. i got a burned candle one year with the tell-tale black crayon price marking of a thrift store on the bottom of it--not that i am above thrift stores. nay, nay, i practically live in freakin' thrift stores, but when the price limit of a gift is $20, i expect a little more than a 75-cent used candle. hell, they sell new ones for less. fucker. another christmas i got a knockoff
esprit sweatshirt with a masking tape price tag upon it (could you at least attempt to hide the fact you're giving me your yard sale rejects?) accompanied by a shower cap. yes. a shower cap. and yet another time (you see what a sucker i am?), i got THE WORST christmas gift of all: a damn ornament. who the hell thinks an ornament is an acceptable christmas present?!?! "gee, thanks for the tacky bauble i won't be able to use for an entire year." inevitably, it is some god-awful mechanical musical hot mess of a thing that will not see the tree the following year. it will see a thrift store and most likely end up in the hands of a serial bad gifter. and the cycle continues.

is it too hard to read what i wrote on "the list" (yes, i agree that a list is a little too veruca salt, but in my experience, people always insist on "the list" under the pretense that if your name is drawn by someone who doesn't know you well, then they have an idea of what to get for you. but it really is just the 'nice' way to attempt to prevent the shite gift syndrome. it's pointless for me though, because i still end up with the singing bass)?!?!

my suggestions for this year were clear (or so i thought):

starbucks
target
aeropostale


what did i get? a giftcard to FYE. i don't shop there. i hate that overpriced waste of space store. in fact, i don't think anybody shops there. it's always empty when i walk by it. there is a fucking starbucks every 10 feet in this city (in most citys, actually), and you couldn't drop in and get me a pound of coffee or a mug?!

sigh. i set myself up every year. i get all excited and convince myself my name won't end up with someone like the frozen dinner giving mom from better off dead or grandma from the ref ("slipper socks. MEDIUM!"). oh well. as far as i'm concerned, secret santa is a MF. maybe next year i'll draw my own name like kevin in the office.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

we will meet in the place where there is no darkness

i'm tired of baking cookies. i just want to watch it's a wonderful life...and eat said cookies. my favorite scene of it's a wonderful life has always been the flashback of george in the pharmacy. not the ear-boxing child abuse scene (which is quite disturbing), but the ice cream and coconut scene. "you don't like coconut!?" i don't know why...perhaps it's my love of ice cream. i can't believe i don't own this movie. hint, hint. does anyone remember when every MF channel would play it for the entire month of december? it doesn't happen anymore. i noticed it a few years ago, but its gradual absence is sort of 1984-ish. now ABC or some other network plays it ONE night a year and that's it. i miss those days of 24-hour it's a wonderful life...even if some of the showings were the crap colorized versions. am i imagining this? it did happen, right?

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

kat von don't

watching la ink is like getting my teefs pulled. i can feel the dumb oozing through the TV. the funny thing is, i really enjoyed watching kat von d on miami ink, and found her endearing. but an hour's worth of kat von d is about an hour too much 'dude', 'rockin', 'stoked' and 'rad' for me. i guess i can only handle her in small doses (that, or she had really great edits on miami ink). she comes across as a self-involved whine-bag...i mean, how many pictures of yourself do you need in your gaudy tattoo shop? does the audience need to visit a plastic surgeon with your egotistical jem and the holograms wannabe ass? and as for the episodes, staged much? i mean, damn, i know most reality shows are staged, but la ink isn't trying to hide it at all. i keep giving it chances, but it's disappointing, dull and i can't handle her lame voice-overs. ugh.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

i am standing up at the water's edge in my dream

caroline has been one of my best friends since 1988. i can't believe that i've known her for almost 20 years! i remember going to her house for the first time--it took me a while to get used to going over there because she is one of 9 children, so the house was always full of people. for those of you who don't already know, i am an extremely quiet introvert and crowds tend to make me nervous.

anyway, i love her family. they are so welcoming and very "together". i don't know how else to describe it, i'm sure there's another word out there for what i'm trying to express but it's lost on me at the moment. i've always been jealous of the relationship caroline and her family have. they're so close and they're always doing things, you know like family trips and dinners and stuff like that. it's just something my home life has always been lacking. i just wish my parents had been more involved in my extracurricular activities. oh, i know my parents love me and take care of me, but they never pushed me to do or be anything. some of the most common words out of my mom's mouth are: you need to find yourself a rich man. umm, ok, thanks for the bang-up advice. let's learn all about dependency.

i remember caroline talking about college back in the 8th grade, and that was the first time i actually thought about school beyond the 12th grade. i didn't understand what college was all about, but i do remember that i wanted to go to virginia tech, just because i had tagged along on a trip to pick up her brother from there one spring break. of course, i didn't end up at tech, i merely applied to ODU since i was scared shitless about leaving home. on the first day of classes, i dropped out. my parents didn't say anything to me about it. i wasn't reprimanded. i wasn't made to do anything. it amazes me that i was allowed to just throw away my future within 10 minutes of signing forms and no one, not even counselors at ODU or my damn parents seemed to notice! i remember feeling so lost. all of my friends were experiencing life in new cities and schools and i had no idea what the future held for me. it's sad, but sometimes i still feel that way. i don't want to be doing what i'm doing, but because of my dire need for health benefits, i feel stuck.

ugh. how did i end up whining? i just wanted to write about enjoying the causey's oyster roast last night! i guess i always feel exposed around successful people. i guess i'm ashamed of my career (or lack of one) and i really hate when people ask about it. but i know i'm the only one that can change my situation, and not the imaginary "rich man" my mother professes i need to find.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

my favorite flavor, cherry red

i have a problem. i like jackets. i buy them often...usually from thrift stores, but still. how many coats does a person who lives in a city that hardly ever sees snow (or cold, it's almost thanksgiving and it only just got cold) need? my new obsession is this columbia jacket i tried on when i was trapped in a bass pro shop. yes, a bass pro shop. i felt very out of place. anyway, it's cherry red and orange and pretty and it's one of those 3 in 1 jobs. i want it.

eating chocolate cake in a bag

i was at the mall today and noticed the angel tree was up and i like to do the reach program at barnes and noble when i have the extra $. since it was payday yesterday, i did them both this morning. it takes me forever to pick out cute outfits for the angel tree, but the books are always easy. i just pick up where the sidewalk ends. but they had a great deal at b&n today--three hardcover classics for $20! i had to get some of my favorites: little women, anne of green gables and king arthur's tales.

i hope whomever gets these books will give them a chance and fall in love with the characters. i honestly don't know what kids like and don't like these days other than harry potter and hannah montana. it's sort of funny that i assume random child will enjoy the adventures of jo and laurie as much as i did.


p.s. the prednisone seems to be working! yay :)

Friday, November 16, 2007

every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings

it's been a while since i've been on here. it's not like i'm not on the computer every day. i'm just lazy. and i get distracted by the fluffiness of cuteoverload.com. anyway, i went to see dr. denio about my gi-normous knuckles yesterday. he said it was a flare-up of my RA. i have to take a blister pack of prednisone for a few weeks and had to change my methotrexate from pill form to injection form. self injection, that is. it's not that bad. i've given myself shots before. i used to be on enbrel and the methotrexate shots before, it's just i have to overcome that psychological fear of sticking myself with a needle again.

anyway, it's almost thanksgiving. joy. does anyone ever have that perfect holiday season that target and walmart shill on their uber-trendy commercials? i mean, i'm sold on the idea--i've always imagined that one day i'd have this huge brick house full of friends and family with all the trimmings and the food and the gifts and the snow and the laughter and the sense of togetherness. i want the hallmark-norman rockwell-holiday inn (sans black-face!) christmas. i want to find zuzu's petals in my pocket. i want to feel what i feel when i listen to judy garland or nat king cole sing those festive songs. i've never had it...not even when i was little. i don't think it exists, but it's nice to pretend...at least i'm almost done with christmas shopping.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

they call me mr. glass

my stomach always hurts, as do my hands and my head. why do i have to be the sickly child in the family? i'm like beth from little women...except i can't play the piano...nor am i sweet...or living in the civil war era waiting for marmie to bring home more scarlet fever germs from the poor ghetto trash down the road. i love that book. i think i'll re-read it.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

i went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope

the other day at work i was gripping something and a co-worker said: eww, what's that?!. i thought it was a bug, so i was frantically looking around until she pointed at my right middle finger and told me to bend it. so i attempted to make a fist (i can't make a complete fist with the right hand anymore) and sure enough, i discovered i have a finger nodule. so i studied my left hand and discovered one on my index finger. you know, i was content with my orencia infusions--even though it doesn't work as well as enbrel, but it's cheaper and that's why i take it instead--but now i'm worried.

i sat down and googled
rheumatoid arthritis finger nodules today and found unsettling images of curled, deformed fingers and descriptions that included the words 'pop' and 'freeze'. my fingers do pop. i was just hoping that i would be a lucky one and not get the whole gnarly hands thing...i mean, that's the one thing i'm egotistical about. i have pretty hands. it's bad enough that i can barely write or draw anymore--so much so, that i choose 'debit' instead of 'credit' at stores so i don't have to be embarrassed at my poor attempt to grasp a pen and sign something in front of the customers in line behind me--but i don't want my hands to start twisting. i just hope that is not in the future for me, because i like to create things and it's hard to fucking create something when you can't use your hands.

Friday, October 26, 2007

hot in herre

it is goddamn october 26th. so why is it still in the 70's?!?! i HATE hot weather. i used to look forward to the fall, it's so nice and cool. the air is crisp and the leaves are turning and the kids are in school. now, there is no such thing as fall...or spring, for that matter. it goes from steamy summer to freezing winter. i'd much rather have a longer winter--i have more clothes for that season, but it doesn't look like winter will EVER get here. at least we had wonderful rain today. i love the rain...especially when i'm in bed reading. anyway. i listened to "let it be" from the across the universe soundtrack. i was attempting to give it a chance, but it is awful, awful, awful. i had to put paul's version in to relieve the anger. roger ebert gave the movie a great review, so i'm still debating on seeing it in the theater. i do have a $25 gift card to AMC, so perhaps i'll take myself on sunday. no one else wants to see it. i was contemplating dan in real life as well because one of my favorite actresses, juliette binoche, is in it, but the whole "dane cook is a giant douche" thing may keep me at bay. i should just go with my instinct and see darjeeling unlimited or whatever it's called. i know i'll like that.

oh yes, i am now in possession of all three seasons of the office! love.

Friday, October 19, 2007

orange crepe paper and some halloween candy

i want to move to england.

anyway. i am so awful at returning phone calls. i just realized that i haven't called back people since i got home from vegas. i suck. i don't know why i even have a phone. i hate using it. but i feel naked without it. i'm a strange duck, i know.

in other news, across the universe finally made it to virginia beach. not that i've seen it yet. i was all excited about it despite the fact that i am always and forever annoyed by craptacular remakes of fantastic songs...and the beatles happen to be one of my favorite bands. i'm afraid i'll end up hating it. jenna burned me a copy of the soundtrack (which i have yet to listen to, but i've been listening non-stop to the beatles love album--go figure) for my birthday. this might sound cheesy, but i just think the beatles were kind of, perfect, and having people that can't sing cover their songs is just, UGH. and then, there's the people that don't even know who the beatles are or that these songs are theirs and i'm like: where the fuck have you been?

ok. speaking of my birthday, it was quite uneventful. after 30, birthdays are not the same anymore. i didn't even get a god-damned cake! but i still get excited like a little kid. i just had no pile of presents or candles to blow out or friends to run around with in cone party hats with the little elastic strings to keep them lodged firmly on your 'noggin. i had a nap. wow.

Friday, October 12, 2007

murphy's law

tell me why, when i finally decide to buy those damn wide-leg pants in every color from oldnavy.com, do they reduce the price by 1/2 the very next day?

i'm getting a refund. oh, yes, i will
get a refund.

p.s. IT'S FINALLY GETTING COLD! yay for jacket weather.

update: i got my damn refund. hells yeah.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

where are the turtles?

i'm back from vegas. i've been back since my birthday (october 2), but have been too lazy to write anything on here. i'm the only one who reads it anyway. so we completely forgot about the liberace museum. i know, i know...i hang my head in shame. i actually did drink there. how can one resist $2 jello shots? especially lime with tequila? yum. we had a lot of fun. i wasn't expecting to, because vegas has never been a dream destination of mine other than to get married there by elvis on april fool's day. it's expensive, but there's so much to do. next time, i will be sure to hit up the liberace museum. i want a souvenir glitter cape.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

leaving on a jet plane

i'm headed for vegas! tracey is treating me to a mini-vaykay--ok, that sounds as annoying as it looks--*cough* mini-vacation. caroline and i are excited to be visiting the liberace museum. i don't know why. it's not like i own or have ever owned any of his music. but i love the camp...i also like to camp, but that's a different story. anyway, i'm also looking forward to getting pics with as many elvis impersonators as possible. hey, i can't drink so i have to amuse myself in some way. it's not like i've ever gambled, so i know my money's gonna be gone in the first day unless luck is a lady for me (sing it, marlon!).

in other news, i'm in an oasis mood. i never got into anything after be here now. for some reason i have had "don't look back in anger" stuck in my head all day, so i decided to investigate the band on amazon.com. i didn't realize how many albums they've put out! i've downloaded a few of the newer tracks i didn't have and i really like them. so that is what i'll be listening to on the plane tomorrow. ahh, iPods, protectors of the shy and non-communicative on airplanes.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

...which means throw momma from the tambien

bwahahahahahahaha! i love it. watch the office. seriously.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

move the rubber tree plant? hell, i'm gonna destroy it

randomness: i am revising my wish to be an ant. i needed to be more specific. i want to be a killer army african ant...the dorylus. those bitches are hard-core. skee-skee-skee-skee (my imagined ant noises).

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

random birthday wishes:

this is an ALL EDGE brownie pan. why didn't i think of this?


wonderful conte pastels

no words needed here.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

your girl is lovely, hubble

i need to meet new people. not that i am tired of "old people", but most of the old people don't live around here anymore. the few that live here are either jackasses or just aren't my friends--they're acquaintances and we really never hung out on a one-on-one basis in the first place. i'll randomly see them every now and then and it's all about the awkward "nothing" seinfeld conversations or the bad memories that their mere presence unwittingly resurrects. sometimes i think it's like the end of the way we were. then i realize i'm being a little too carrie bradshaw about the whole thing. or am i?

sigh.

i wish i were an ant. each little ant is born into a plethora of friends and has a career path--it knows what it's meant to do on this earth. it doesn't have to deal with trivial every day human problems like idiots with bad hygiene or a broken heart or loneliness. plus it can lift something a hundred times heavier than itself. i want to know my purpose. i want to lift an automobile over my head. but i suppose that is what life is, finding your purpose and lifting cars over your head? i don't know.

i know i'm blathering on, and i'm probably not making any sense. my only excuse is is that it's late.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

i want to smash an ice cream cone in his face

i have successfully avoided the "dane cook is a douche-bag band wagon" until now. he has a single out. not a comedy single, mind you. he's singing. yes, i'll repeat that: he's singing. and it's awful.

all this time, i'm wondering why all the dane hate? i think he's funny. a bit hyperactive, obnoxious and loud, but funny. and yes, i think the whole su-fi thing is re-donkulous. how many twenty-something men/frat boys does it take to kill something that was once funny? i had ultimately come to the conclusion that it had become "cool" to hate dane cook, just as it's "cool" to hate quentin tarantino.

but now i understand (the hating dane, not the hating quentin). he's everywhere. and he's wearing thin pretty fast.

stick with the comedy, dane. quit "acting". quit "singing". it's not cute. and you really look like a tool. i've defended you all this time, but now i can only hang my head in embarrassment for you.

stop it.

two for flinching

i had my infusion yesterday. fun stuff, i know...especially since i hate needles. but i've discovered that my aversion to needles has greatly weakened given that my skin is exposed to them quite frequently now. but i still can't watch...and i don't relax until the first aid tape is securely fastened and the needle has no chance in hell of moving--hmm, i just realized i have an odd liking for the smell of the alcohol pads. i don't know. whatever.

anyway, since the season to get sick is quickly coming upon us, my doctor advised that i get a pneumonia shot. ok, that's fine, another needle, i can handle it (is that a run-on sentence? at least i can spell, right?). well, i get the shot and i am forewarned that i may experience symptoms of pneumonia and the area where the vaccine was injected will feel like someone punched me. i usually don't feel the side-effects, so i thought nothing of it.

never underestimate the pneumonia shot. my arm is so sore, i can barely lift it over my head. i'm nauseous and have required 10+ hours of sleep for the past two days. i'm whimpering like a baby every time i have to move my right arm. i get home and immediately crawl into bed. all i want is sleep. hopefully this will go away soon, 'cause having a bout of the pukes while you're running on the elliptical machine is not attractive.

and i get to look forward to the flu shot on my next visit. yay. but at least i'm being looked out for.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

hands like buttuh

i have been getting in the bad habit of going to wal-mart after i go to the gym on saturdays. i'm done working out by 8 a.m., and i've discovered that that is the perfect time to go shopping at what usually is a crowded hell-hole that tries my patience. i call it a bad habit because i tend to waste money on crap i don't need. on this recent trip i did, however, find something useful called saco powdered buttermilk. why the hell haven't i seen/heard of this before? i love to bake, but tend to avoid recipes calling for buttermilk. i mean what the hell am i going to use buttermilk for other than the 1 cup needed for the fussy cupcakes i'm making? plus, in the past, i've confused the cartons of buttermilk and skim milk and, believe me, it was not a good experience. ugh. anyway, this powdered buttermilk will last for years as opposed to weeks. yay.

now i'll just avoid the recipes calling for curry, which
has
to be the most vile spice known to man.

Monday, September 3, 2007

postsecrets i haven't sent in

1. i chew on emery boards.

2. i'm not sorry he bit you.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

these boots were made for walkin'

i stole this idea from pajiba.com. what movies have been so bad that you actually walked out on them? personally, i have never walked out on a movie. if i pay $8 for a movie ticket, i'm going to have something to show for it, even if it is just hours upon hours of me bitching about how i wasted two hours of my life watching a mindless piece of shit. i'm stubborn and a little too optimistic and forgiving--i will sit through a film, hating every minute of it, but still think to myself: this has to get better. then the credits roll.

i do, however, have a list of movies that i watched (in theaters or on DVD) that i really wish i hadn't:

1. meet the robinsons. i went to this god-awful, overly-bright, excruciatingly boring affair with ben. within the first 10 minutes, i was asleep, only to be woken up by ben yelling: "wake up! i'm not going to be the only one watching this shit!" by the end of this jumbled mess, ben and i had probably shifted in our seats enough times to make the general public think we were two shaky mental patients out on movie day. to top it all off, we actually paid EXTRA for the fucking 3D glasses. i call shenanigans.

2. van helsing. doesn't it annoy you when neighbors walk their dogs in your yard and leave steaming piles of shit behind? i equate this movie to those turds.

3. accepted. i like justin long. i really do. he's a cute little mac. but watching the stale hijinks that are common-place in these stupid "high school to college" movies of late is just mind-dulling. it wasn't my choice--or my house--but at least i didn't pay for it.

4. alexander. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. i couldn't finish it. all those pretty people and they couldn't keep me awake. they should've thrown in a shot of colin farrell's pee-pee. anything to distract from that horrid dyed blond hair of his. or was it a wig? either way, ugh.

5. the godfather 3. i've said it before, and i'll say it again, sofia coppola needs to keep her ass behind the cameras with daddy.

6. robin hood: men in tights. i am in no way, shape or form a mel brooks fan. so not funny. shoot me now.

7. the illusionist. perhaps i was itching to stop watching this movie because i had seen the other magician movie first. i mean, anything pales in comparison with harry potter. no, i think my problem was the fact that jessica biel can't act and when she talks, you can't help but be distracted by her big teefs. it was also predictable and laughable (edward norton and miss biel are the same age? HA!). not even edward norton's greatness could save this movie for me.

8. there's something about mary. haha. this movie was so funny. i'm not being sarcastic at all.

i'm sure there are others, but iTunes is distracting me.

go crazy

i have sent this video to practically everyone i know. it makes me giggle uncontrollably. being a huge LOTR dork, i am naturally a fan of elijah wood, so this dance only endears him to me more. however, it gives his naysayers more reason to naysay.


although it goes on entirely too long, it's totally worth watching to see him "go crazy" at the end. love.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

every day is a good day for pie

i want a piece of lemon meringue pie.

Friday, August 24, 2007

you're late!

it's friday night and i'm sitting here watching the fellowship of the ring on TNT for the zillionth time. i don't know what it is about this movie--when i mention it's one of my favorites, most people roll their eyes and tell me just how excruciatingly boring they felt it was, going on and on and on about how it's just scenery and walking and i sit there and wonder if they paid attention to the premise because a journey to mount doom would require a lot of walking and, i assume, scenery--but every time it's on TV, i watch it (even though i own the super-deluxe nerd edition complete with argonath bookends).

now, there are a lot of movies i haven't seen. in fact, i own movies that have yet to touch my DVD player. but i'm not as bad as my sister. she hasn't even seen the star wars movies--i'm talking about the original three. my dislike for hayden christiansen's acting far outweighs my love for ewan macgregor for me to even enjoy the newer trilogy.

anyway. a few examples of movies i have no excuse for not seeing yet:

a bande apart
the good, the bad and the ugly
dr. strangelove
close encounters of the third kind
dog day afternoon
five easy pieces
mr. smith goes to washington
chinatown



fotr
is distracting me. "this is the furthest i've been away from home." aww.

UPDATE: i've seen dog day afternoon. that is all 07/12/09