i want a bean feast

i am continually disappointed in the whole "secret santa" game. every year upon opening my gift and discovering a level of suckatude i didn't think existed, i decree that "i will not be doing it next christmas"...and yet every christmas, i find myself drawing a name from that damnable hat. or cup. or bowl...ok...receptacle. i suppose the negativity takes away from the spirit of giving and of the season, but shit, i am tired of receiving crap gifts.

despite my misgivings, i do actually look forward to secret santa--i have a naive hope that the person who gets my name is as kick-ass a gift giver as i am--see, i can be an optimist. however, my name always tends to end up in the hands of someone who thinks a chia pet is a great present...you know, i've never actually received a chia pet. i did give one to my sister once, but she actually wanted it.

my gifts usually consist of garbage. i got a burned candle one year with the tell-tale black crayon price marking of a thrift store on the bottom of it--not that i am above thrift stores. nay, nay, i practically live in freakin' thrift stores, but when the price limit of a gift is $20, i expect a little more than a 75-cent used candle. hell, they sell new ones for less. fucker. another christmas i got a knockoff esprit sweatshirt with a masking tape price tag upon it (could you at least attempt to hide the fact you're giving me your yard sale rejects?) accompanied by a shower cap. yes. a shower cap. and yet another time (you see what a sucker i am?), i got THE WORST christmas gift of all: a damn ornament. who the hell thinks an ornament is an acceptable christmas present?!?! "gee, thanks for the tacky bauble i won't be able to use for an entire year." inevitably, it is some god-awful mechanical musical hot mess of a thing that will not see the tree the following year. it will see a thrift store and most likely end up in the hands of a serial bad gifter. and the cycle continues.

is it too hard to read what i wrote on "the list" (yes, i agree that a list is a little too veruca salt, but in my experience, people always insist on "the list" under the pretense that if your name is drawn by someone who doesn't know you well, then they have an idea of what to get for you. but it really is just the 'nice' way to attempt to prevent the shite gift syndrome. it's pointless for me though, because i still end up with the singing bass)?!?!

my suggestions for this year were clear (or so i thought):

starbucks
target
aeropostale

what did i get? a giftcard to FYE. i don't shop there. i hate that overpriced waste of space store. in fact, i don't think anybody shops there. it's always empty when i walk by it. there is a fucking starbucks every 10 feet in this city (in most citys, actually), and you couldn't drop in and get me a pound of coffee or a mug?!

sigh. i set myself up every year. i get all excited and convince myself my name won't end up with someone like the frozen dinner giving mom from better off dead or grandma from the ref ("slipper socks. MEDIUM!"). oh well. as far as i'm concerned, secret santa is a MF. maybe next year i'll draw my own name like kevin in the office.

we will meet in the place where there is no darkness

i'm tired of baking cookies. i just want to watch it's a wonderful life...and eat said cookies. my favorite scene of it's a wonderful life has always been the flashback of george in the pharmacy. not the ear-boxing child abuse scene (which is quite disturbing), but the ice cream and coconut scene. "you don't like coconut!?" i don't know why...perhaps it's my love of ice cream. i can't believe i don't own this movie. hint, hint. does anyone remember when every MF channel would play it for the entire month of december? it doesn't happen anymore. i noticed it a few years ago, but its gradual absence is sort of 1984-ish. now ABC or some other network plays it ONE night a year and that's it. i miss those days of 24-hour it's a wonderful life...even if some of the showings were the crap colorized versions. am i imagining this? it did happen, right?

kat von don't

watching la ink is like getting my teefs pulled. i can feel the dumb oozing through the TV. the funny thing is, i really enjoyed watching kat von d on miami ink, and found her endearing. but an hour's worth of kat von d is about an hour too much 'dude', 'rockin', 'stoked' and 'rad' for me. i guess i can only handle her in small doses (that, or she had really great edits on miami ink). she comes across as a self-involved whine-bag...i mean, how many pictures of yourself do you need in your gaudy tattoo shop? does the audience need to visit a plastic surgeon with your egotistical jem and the holograms wannabe ass? and as for the episodes, staged much? i mean, damn, i know most reality shows are staged, but la ink isn't trying to hide it at all. i keep giving it chances, but it's disappointing, dull and i can't handle her lame voice-overs. ugh.