all the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives, choosing the shiny ones instead

is it so wrong in this day and age to be single? i find people look at me with this sad note in their eyes when they find out i'm not dating anyone. sure, i'd like to have a partner in crime to go to dinner and the movies and an occasional bang, but to me, it's not necessary. i'm not saying i'm not lonely sometimes, but i don't define my life by dreaming about finding a man...well, i dream of finding james franco, sam rockwell, RDJ, daniel craig or javier bardem but that's different ;P maybe i'm just an odd duck. i don't know.

battered and torn still i can see the light

i have rheumatoid arthritis (RA). lately, it's been kicking my ass. i tend to not speak about the disease because most people just hear the word 'arthritis' and automatically relate it to whatever aches they're having that day. maybe it's egotistical in a sadistic way, but to compare my agony to a backache you're having kind of offends me. when you can't open a bottle of nesquik or turn on the faucets at home, when you can no longer pick up a pencil and draw because your thumb locks, when it hurts to reach up and turn on a lamp or to dress yourself, when you have to contemplate whether or not it's worth the trouble to get out of bed to go the bathroom or to reach for that glass of water or for your cell phone you left on your desk across the room, then you can tell me about your backache. otherwise, shut up.

today love smiled on me

such an odd person.

i remember thinking that when i first saw you.

but that's like the pot calling the kettle black.

hello, kettle.

hello, pot.

i called you super ninja.

you were always running around

jumping over things, posing.

everything you picked up

became a nunchuk.

you were quiet but i could

tell you were always thinking.

still waters do run deep.

you wanted to major in philosophy.

i loved that.

you always tried.

no matter what was placed

upon your shoulders.

you never gave up.

i admired that.

you were stronger than

so many other people

i know.

you always had a smile

and something nice to say.

i honestly can't remember

you making a mean comment.

that says a lot about you.

you were a genuinely nice person.

i never told you i appreciated that.

you are what people should aim to be.

despite your hardships you never stopped.

if only your body had not stopped on you.

i'm glad to have known you.

i don't like goodbyes.

sadly all things must pass...

i wish you nothing but the best in your next life,

dennis.

take me out tonight because i want to see people and i want to see life

ahhh, the sweet sound of the smiths's 'there is a light that never goes out'. that song has been stuck in my head for days. i fell in love with the melancholy band years ago during a trip to busch gardens williamsburg. during the hour ride, my sister and friends took turns playing favorite songs.

i'm sure i popped in something by the police or madonna. i thought madonna was hot shit. she could do no wrong...at least up until the fake british accent. well, i like 'hung up' but that's about it for the newer stuff. anyway, when caroline's turn came 'round, she popped in (i keep saying 'popped in'. it's because back in the olden days--haha--we had cassette players) 'strangeways, here we come'. i immediately connected to the first song, 'a rush and a pull and the land is ours'. it was just such an odd sound, i don't know how to describe it...it was just different.

thanks to my sister and caroline, i was exposed to alternative bands like depeche mode, r.e.m., the red hot chili peppers and the cure. without their influence i'm positive i would have continued to subject myself only to the magical tunes of paula abdul, the bangles and, of course, the police and madonna (or whatever was being played on Z104. i am embarrassed to admit that i owned both milli vanilli's and martika's cassettes. the horror!). not that there's anything wrong with the bangles, the police and madonna (yes, there IS something wrong with paula :P), but broadening musical tastes is something big sisters/brothers are for and, well, i needed to discover something other than safe pop music...and yes, caroline had older siblings--7 of them!

anyway, every time i start singing 'there is a light...' i immediately think of the scene in '500 days of summer' in which zooey deschanel's character sings a few lines to joseph gordon levitt in an elevator. and i don't want that. first of all, the movie is slow, boring and overly appreciated by people who are offended when you call indie films 'movies' (as if the word 'film' makes the POS snore-fests high art. whatever. don't get me wrong, i adore independent movies. they are one of the reasons i belong to netflix. i just hate the superior attitude that some people have because they watch films instead of movies). second of all, is it really fucking necessary for zooey deschanel to sing in every goddamn movie she's in?!

seriously, all of the movies i've seen her in has her prancing about singing in at least one scene. zooey, we get it. you like to sing. you have a band. i think she's cute and i love her bangs, but the singing in movies has got to stop. and i like musicals! i just don't appreciate watching the first eight hours of 'the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford' only to finally manage to get to the final minutes and there's zooey in all her singing glory. it kind of ruined the dramatic pacing for me. i wanted to slap her. actually, i want to slap her every time she sings in a movie. i guess i'll just have to settle for rolling my eyes and writing about it on my blog.

she's crafty!!!

so i was inspired to make some christmas presents. can you tell that i am not the only dork in my group of friends? for those of you who do not speak "geek", the white blobs with the blue swirl are supposed to be "hearthstones". they are, um, magic rocks that teleport you to wherever you've designated your home in world of warcraft. and as for the turnip earrings, go read a harry potter book :D

it happens sometimes...friends come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant...

i don't want to devote a blog entry on this subject...but i need to keep a record of this somewhere so that i do not repeat my very BIG mistake of trusting too easily.

these past few months have been a blur...i met someone i really, really liked--it's been a long, long while since i've felt that way. sigh...let me make this short and sweet: i was well played. and i fell hard. and it is taking me way too long to get over it. unfortunately i tend to dwell on things. it sucks, but it's what i do.

the worst part is, i was warned to stay away and i didn't listen. but do we ever listen when our hearts are in any way involved? i thought i could be that girl...you know, the one that doesn't get attached. i had to learn the hard way to figure out that i just couldn't do it.

so i took myself out of the equation and received no reaction at all. i guess that's what bothers me the most--my burned ego. here i am, thinking about him wondering about the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and he's already found a replacement.

it's funny how truly different men and women are.

on toothbrushes and dating

if a guy you're dating tells you he has a surprise for you, and that surprise happens to be a toothbrush to keep at his place, doesn't that mean something or am i crazy?

i'm not going into the details, but i guess i got the wrong message. i don't get men. at all. in fact, after the last two i've dated, i'm through with them for a while.