all the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives, choosing the shiny ones instead

is it so wrong in this day and age to be single? i find people look at me with this sad note in their eyes when they find out i'm not dating anyone. sure, i'd like to have a partner in crime to go to dinner and the movies and an occasional bang, but to me, it's not necessary. i'm not saying i'm not lonely sometimes, but i don't define my life by dreaming about finding a man...well, i dream of finding james franco, sam rockwell, RDJ, daniel craig or javier bardem but that's different ;P maybe i'm just an odd duck. i don't know.

battered and torn still i can see the light

i have rheumatoid arthritis (RA). lately, it's been kicking my ass. i tend to not speak about the disease because most people just hear the word 'arthritis' and automatically relate it to whatever aches they're having that day. maybe it's egotistical in a sadistic way, but to compare my agony to a backache you're having kind of offends me. when you can't open a bottle of nesquik or turn on the faucets at home, when you can no longer pick up a pencil and draw because your thumb locks, when it hurts to reach up and turn on a lamp or to dress yourself, when you have to contemplate whether or not it's worth the trouble to get out of bed to go the bathroom or to reach for that glass of water or for your cell phone you left on your desk across the room, then you can tell me about your backache. otherwise, shut up.

today love smiled on me

such an odd person.

i remember thinking that when i first saw you.

but that's like the pot calling the kettle black.

hello, kettle.

hello, pot.

i called you super ninja.

you were always running around

jumping over things, posing.

everything you picked up

became a nunchuk.

you were quiet but i could

tell you were always thinking.

still waters do run deep.

you wanted to major in philosophy.

i loved that.

you always tried.

no matter what was placed

upon your shoulders.

you never gave up.

i admired that.

you were stronger than

so many other people

i know.

you always had a smile

and something nice to say.

i honestly can't remember

you making a mean comment.

that says a lot about you.

you were a genuinely nice person.

i never told you i appreciated that.

you are what people should aim to be.

despite your hardships you never stopped.

if only your body had not stopped on you.

i'm glad to have known you.

i don't like goodbyes.

sadly all things must pass...

i wish you nothing but the best in your next life,

dennis.

take me out tonight because i want to see people and i want to see life

ahhh, the sweet sound of the smiths's 'there is a light that never goes out'. that song has been stuck in my head for days. i fell in love with the melancholy band years ago during a trip to busch gardens williamsburg. during the hour ride, my sister and friends took turns playing favorite songs.

i'm sure i popped in something by the police or madonna. i thought madonna was hot shit. she could do no wrong...at least up until the fake british accent. well, i like 'hung up' but that's about it for the newer stuff. anyway, when caroline's turn came 'round, she popped in (i keep saying 'popped in'. it's because back in the olden days--haha--we had cassette players) 'strangeways, here we come'. i immediately connected to the first song, 'a rush and a pull and the land is ours'. it was just such an odd sound, i don't know how to describe it...it was just different.

thanks to my sister and caroline, i was exposed to alternative bands like depeche mode, r.e.m., the red hot chili peppers and the cure. without their influence i'm positive i would have continued to subject myself only to the magical tunes of paula abdul, the bangles and, of course, the police and madonna (or whatever was being played on Z104. i am embarrassed to admit that i owned both milli vanilli's and martika's cassettes. the horror!). not that there's anything wrong with the bangles, the police and madonna (yes, there IS something wrong with paula :P), but broadening musical tastes is something big sisters/brothers are for and, well, i needed to discover something other than safe pop music...and yes, caroline had older siblings--7 of them!

anyway, every time i start singing 'there is a light...' i immediately think of the scene in '500 days of summer' in which zooey deschanel's character sings a few lines to joseph gordon levitt in an elevator. and i don't want that. first of all, the movie is slow, boring and overly appreciated by people who are offended when you call indie films 'movies' (as if the word 'film' makes the POS snore-fests high art. whatever. don't get me wrong, i adore independent movies. they are one of the reasons i belong to netflix. i just hate the superior attitude that some people have because they watch films instead of movies). second of all, is it really fucking necessary for zooey deschanel to sing in every goddamn movie she's in?!

seriously, all of the movies i've seen her in has her prancing about singing in at least one scene. zooey, we get it. you like to sing. you have a band. i think she's cute and i love her bangs, but the singing in movies has got to stop. and i like musicals! i just don't appreciate watching the first eight hours of 'the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford' only to finally manage to get to the final minutes and there's zooey in all her singing glory. it kind of ruined the dramatic pacing for me. i wanted to slap her. actually, i want to slap her every time she sings in a movie. i guess i'll just have to settle for rolling my eyes and writing about it on my blog.

she's crafty!!!

so i was inspired to make some christmas presents. can you tell that i am not the only dork in my group of friends? for those of you who do not speak "geek", the white blobs with the blue swirl are supposed to be "hearthstones". they are, um, magic rocks that teleport you to wherever you've designated your home in world of warcraft. and as for the turnip earrings, go read a harry potter book :D

it happens sometimes...friends come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant...

i don't want to devote a blog entry on this subject...but i need to keep a record of this somewhere so that i do not repeat my very BIG mistake of trusting too easily.

these past few months have been a blur...i met someone i really, really liked--it's been a long, long while since i've felt that way. sigh...let me make this short and sweet: i was well played. and i fell hard. and it is taking me way too long to get over it. unfortunately i tend to dwell on things. it sucks, but it's what i do.

the worst part is, i was warned to stay away and i didn't listen. but do we ever listen when our hearts are in any way involved? i thought i could be that girl...you know, the one that doesn't get attached. i had to learn the hard way to figure out that i just couldn't do it.

so i took myself out of the equation and received no reaction at all. i guess that's what bothers me the most--my burned ego. here i am, thinking about him wondering about the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and he's already found a replacement.

it's funny how truly different men and women are.

on toothbrushes and dating

if a guy you're dating tells you he has a surprise for you, and that surprise happens to be a toothbrush to keep at his place, doesn't that mean something or am i crazy?

i'm not going into the details, but i guess i got the wrong message. i don't get men. at all. in fact, after the last two i've dated, i'm through with them for a while.

i will follow you into the dark

wow. it's been ages since i wrote anything on here. i suppose i'm living up to my self-defined procrastinator status. i've never been able to keep up with a journal, so why i thought i'd keep up with a blog is beyond me.

any news...let's see?

so...i am back to having two jobs. i won't say "i have a second job" because i don't consider either one to be lesser than the other one--i love them both...even though i haven't really started at the new one yet. i train on tuesday! i'm excited.
i'm not that much of a gym rat anymore. i mean, i still try to go every day, but if i skip once or twice it doesn't bother me.
someone STILL has a freaking crush on me. i guess it's not a bad thing, and i should be flattered and all that jazz, but it's annoying when he posts stupid things on his myspace about it. i'm like, dude, you have it IN WRITING that i'm not interested. i didn't talk to you for a year because of the awkwardness. if you are truly my friend, stop it with the mopey emo shit.
i had a birthday. whoo. after 21, birthdays are so not the same.
i watch "heroes".
i'm still single. big surprise.
on that note, i'll sign off :D hopefully i'll be back on here sooner than later!

sleep pretty darling do not cry and i will sing a lullabye

i think i might have a mild case of insomnia...is that even possible? all i know is, i never get to bed until 11 p.m. or later. it's not like i am doing anything important. when i finally do lay down, i listen to my iPod and stare at the ceiling. i don't even take naps when i get home from the gym either. i don't know what's wrong with me. it's like i want to make myself stay up as long as possible to achieve nothing. at least i'm not like christian bale in the machinist. while i consider the whole weight loss thing of christian's insomnia a plus, the deep-rooted raging guilt which caused his lack of sleep is something i don't want on my shoulders.

wakey wakey eggs and bac-y

i have to say that i loved watching the office and lost semi-back-to-back tonight (i guess it is a good thing lost is on at 10, otherwise there would be a conflict of interests for me :P)! being the only two shows i religiously watch, my television will be sorely underused the rest of the week, especially since i put netflix on hold! no more spanish movies for me for a while. "every time i think i'm out, they pull me back in!" yeah. that's sort of what netflix does.

anyway season 4 of lost is really fucking good. i can't wait for the DVDs!!! i am just worried that the season finale will leave me sobbing like last year's. please, please, please spare desmond and sawyer. i'm hoping. but it doesn't look good. and how bad-ass are sayid and benjamin? love.

my previous blog was about my lack of sleep. it's 11:16 p.m. i'm typing a blog entry about TV shows. i blame it on ABC for changing their line-up. i really wanted to be in bed early :(

leaving new york never easy, i saw the light fading out

i haven't been catching many z's lately. i could place the blame on the re-introduction of WoW into my life, but that's too easy...and i don't really play it that much for it to be considered guilty of my sleep deprivation. in all actuality, i've always burned the candle at both ends--is that the saying? i don't know. it doesn't make much sense to me seeing as i'm not made of wax. i just like to stay up late and i detest sleeping in; it gives me a headache and makes me a fucking grouch the entire day. it helps that i have to be at work by 6 a.m., so i 'm used to being up super early. it is a rare day that i sleep past 7.

anyway, i am exhausted. i told myself when i got off of work today, i would skip the gym and go take a much needed nap. so what did i do? i went to the gym and ran 6 miles instead of the 4 i usually do, tanned for 10 minutes, went to harris teeter to get sushi (where i was seduced by that evil temptress, vanilla coke), played mah jong and diner dash for a good 2 hours and am now typing this blog.

why can't i sleep? it's not like it's a hard thing for me to do--lying on the bed curled up with my excess of pillows and my lovely down comforter...it sounds amazing. but i always find something better to do...like figure out this damnable phone i just bought. i'd hate to see myself with an iPhone. half of the crap you can do with that thing would be lost on me...hell, half the things my samsung phone can do are lost on me. i just bought it because it was orange :)

i know this is going to sound very stupid and way too sentimental, but putting my old phone "down" was sort of a big deal to me--it was the last link to my ex. we had signed a 2 year contract on the eve of our break-up (i know, smart, right?). i don't know what i'm trying to say, i guess that that part of my life is behind me; i no longer have any ties to him whatsoever. but it's not like we hate each other--life is way too short for petty shit like that. we're actually friends and speak often. i mean we were friends before we even dated so i guess that's why it wasn't (that) difficult a transition from sullen exes to friends. i actually talk to most of the people i worked with at target all those years ago. but yeah. i am so sentimental with everything! is that bad?

okay, so why the hell have they moved lost to 10 p.m.?! i would say that it's too late and i'll be in bed and blah, blah, blah but obviously, from the paragraphs above, i don't sleep.

i'm tryin', ringo

i have always wanted to be melanie wilkes...you know, the altruistic nemesis of scarlett o'hara. but i just don't have the patience to be that nice. she never passed judgement or said an unkind word no matter what was said or done to her. i look to miss melly when i'm being a complete bitch. i guess you could say she's one of my "fictional heroes". her compassion and understanding and willingness to forgive are things i really admire. i consider melanie to be the strongest of all the gone with the wind characters even though she was physically one of the weakest.

it has taken me most of my life to learn this, but i realize that i can't hold on to anger; it only holds me down. i don't want to be a bitter, ugly person--i don't want to be a miss havisham. remember her hateful ass from great expectations? i am utterly repulsed by her and have feared i'd end up that way ever since i read the book. i want nothing to do with rotting cake and tattered wedding dresses. that will never be me ("that'll never be me, that'll never be me. that'll never be, never be me. NO...NO, NEVER, NEVER, EVER. and don't you EVER THINK IT. " haha. i love say anything--the movie, not the band).

how is it possible to feel nostalgia for a world i never knew?

does anyone want to go to machu picchu with me? that is my next traveling goal. until i actually get to go, i'll just have to be content watching the motorcycle diaries.

gael garcia + machu picchu = :) <3

you were only waiting for this moment to arise

i finished the stand and found it to be quite anti-climatic. by the end , i didn't like fran at all. she turned out to be a selfish brat. i gained a little more respect for trashy's character, although he will remain one of the most annoying people--to me, at least--in the SK universe. it sucks that the saving grace of the free zone was the trashcan man.

i was disappointed. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed the book, but when you invest that much time into something, you want a little more than an a-bomb miraculously saving the good guys. "let's move back to maine, where i am from. i don't care what you want, it's all about me. with a brand new baby and a toddler. and no doctor. who cares that you have a gimp leg and it might be hard for you to travel. i am homesick. me. me. me. me. me." sounds like a wise idea to me, frannie. dip-shit. why do dumb girls like that always get the stu's of the world?

anyway...

jenna was in town this weekend. we went to ancient art to get tattoos on saturday! ben and david went with us, but they were too wuss to get anything...haha. i was sort of worried about this outing, because i haven't spoken to david in a little over a year now. too many things happened at once back then...and while i regret that so much time has passed, i do not regret what i felt at the time. things seemed okay between us. nothing was said, but it was there. perhaps, like the beatles song says, we can work it out. i hope. i mean, i really had a good time. i miss that.

okay. enough of the sappy shite. now for my tattoo. i covered up the tacky off-the-wall-kanji-doesn't-mean-anything-to-me-shit i got when i was 20. i'm so happy with the result:



i love the beatles, and blackbird is one of my favorite songs. i've always been attracted to the traditional sailor tattoos as well. so i just combined the two. it was either "take these broken wings and learn to fly" or "living is easy with eyes closed". since i already have a melancholy depressing quote tattoo ("love fades"), and i didn't want it to seem as if i were copying dominic monaghan, i chose the more inspirational blackbird lyrics. jenna got dandelion seeds blowing across her back. we are both very very pleased.

i can't wait for jenna's wedding! i get to play dress-up and hang out with people i miss. i can't imagine planning all of the stuff she's planning, it would be a little overwhelming for me. when i get married, it will be in las vegas on april fool's day by an elvis impersonator. see, the planning is already taken care of :)

think about direction wonder why you haven't before

i'm attempting to watch the stand. i usually don't write and watch movies at the same time, but it's just not holding my attention. it's super-cheesy and despite the fact that there are quite a few good actors in it, it just feels 'flat'. did the director tell them all to behave like drama queens? and you don't really believe these people are going through what they're going through--it's like watching passions. and where the hell is joe-leo? they left the damn trashcan man in (most irritating stephen king character ever, and at first i thought they got THE NUGE to play him--hahahahaha), but deleted joe?!?!

god, this is excruciating to watch. are we supposed to believe that this top-secret military bio-hazard super-flu factory chose to install a cheap wire fence on training wheels as their main gate? i mean, that flimsy contraption was supposed to serve as the big 'lockdown'? a big wheel could've crashed through that thing (campion looks like that dude from the twisted sister videos, you know the animal house "what do you wanna do with your life?" dude). laura san-giacomo is so freaking annoying...how the hell does she get jobs? laura, for some reason, felt compelled to put nadine on the short bus. and i guess i was blinded by my love of '80's teen flicks, because molly ringwald is really not a good actress. hearing her croak through amazing grace was painful...and what in hell was she wearing?! wardrobe and hair must've hated claire standish, because she was stuck with a horrendous bob and clad in god-awful jean shorts and a black bra. oh, she was wearing a shirt, if you call a piece of puke gray cloth tied around your bra a shirt. i felt as if she should've had a big gulp in one hand and a bag of cheetos in the other ("where's mah lighter?"). what is up with the crypt keeper as randall flagg?

i will only finish this movie because i feel if you are going to criticize a movie/book/whatever, at least give it a chance and finish the damn thing, otherwise you have no grounds to base your snearing sarcasm upon.


update: okay...i could not finish it (i know, i know--i am a hypocrite), but i wouldn't make anyone suffer through this agonizingly dull shite. i tried, but when i figured out they had indeed cut joe out, i was out. i'll stick with the book. i have to revise my statement:

if you are going to criticize a movie/book/whatever, at least give it a chance and finish the damn thing (unless it's fucking stupid...you know i sat through MF robin hood: men in tights and i couldn't sit through the stand. that's saying something...'cause i am definitely, no way, shape or form, a mel brooks fan. so. not. funny. ugh. yes, throw the tomatoes at me, i stand by that opinion), otherwise you have no grounds to base your snearing sarcasm upon.

if you are confused, check with the sun, carry a compass to help you along

so i put the stand at the top of my netflix queue because its status was: very long wait. i assumed i would have a chance to finish the damn book before the movie became available. nay, nay, it is on its way! i watched it when it premiered on TV, but i don't remember much other than that hot piece, lieutenant dan, was in it. plus i hadn't read the book then so it completely went over my head. anyway. i need to go finish the book.

which came first the chicken or the egg? i egged the chicken and then i ate his leg

i went cadbury mini egg hunting this weekend. it began with a creme egg. i recently realized that i have become disillusioned with the creme egg. don't get me wrong, i adore them, but i don't eat them with gusto anymore. they make my teeth hurt. i am now much more attracted to the refined, beautifully colored mini eggs (a sign of age, perhaps. i have a theory that once you hit a certain age bracket (i.e. 'old'), you acquire a taste for butter pecan and cherry vanilla...maybe you lose your taste for creme eggs too)...they're still cadbury, but just not filled with teeth rotting goo. is this a sign of the apocalypse? i mean, in college, i devoted a webpage to creme eggs. i've devoured these things every easter since i can remember. they were a precious commodity to me, even the packaging was spared: i'd meticulously open each egg so as not to tear the chick emblazoned foil.

i think i am not enamored with easter candy in general any longer. i used to anticipate the coming of spring--it meant cadbury creme eggs, peeps (no easter basket is complete without a peep, yet no one really eats those vile things), reese's eggs, you know, all that yummy goodness. consumerism has taken away the novelty of easter candy. peeps miraculously transform into ghosts and christmas trees, reese's eggs morph into hearts and gingerbread men and this year, i discovered the cadbury creme ornament. i was not pleased. you would think i would have been excited, given my love for the things. i bought one and it didn't taste the same. if they are available year round, they're not special any more. the creme egg is now on the same level as a snickers or a milky way.

anyway, i had to go to four stores to get my cadbury mini eggs. i need my cadbury fix (the fruit and nut bar just doesn't cut it). at least, to my knowledge, these have not been tainted by other holidays. since i just became smitten with these little freckled eggs, i haven't really noticed them on shelves before, so it's more than likely they've been sold under the guise of mini-ornaments in muted tones of red and green. sigh. i will not give these things up. besides, i already have an idea for next easter: i will make macaroon nests filled with mini eggs! the sheer cuteness of it all is consuming me.

colors rhyming with 'urple'

on my way to the gym today, i noticed a new sign above the recently vacated space (which had previously been a gym) next to it. in big, curving purple letters, it read puppyville. what the hell kind of store is that? the name evokes faint childhood memories of that depressing peanuts gang cartoon, snoopy come home. as a child i always imagined that the daisy hill puppy farm was a twisted, evil establishment of animal torture and abuse. i don't know why. but this does not abode well for puppyville...at least, for me. i'm guessing that this place will, in fact, sell puppies or dog-related items. i don't like pet stores. i never have. something about big animals and small cages rubs me the wrong way. but do you know what's on the other side of my gym?! a mammoth store called animal jungle. can you guess what they sell? this has to be the most redundant, flintstones-house-like city...ever.

mmmm, lunch and no clean up! can life get any better? i submit that it CANNOT!

i make something sugary for (almost) every holiday and for easter, it's peanut butter eggs. these things are so wonderfully toothache-inducingly delicious. but they're so rich, i can't eat them (note that i look forward to easter for one reason--the cadbury creme egg. why i can stand to eat those things and not a PB egg, i don't know)...or at least a whole one. my rule of thumb when baking vast amounts of fat friendly treats for the holidays: make sure it's something i don't like!

i meant to take a series of pictures as i was preparing them yesterday, but airheaded me forgot. it's not hard to imagine a small egg shaped chocolate. they sorta look like bigger versions of reese's eggs. except better. ha! this year, i enveloped the peanut buttery goodness with both white and milk chocolates (ok, it's chocolate flavored bark, whatevs). so good (say 'good' like sonny chiba in kill bill. at least that's what it sounds like in my head). the recipe is really easy, so i'll share...this is off the top of my head:

peanut butter eggs (this recipe can be halved)

2 sticks salted butter, room temp. (do NOT cheap-out and use margarine)
2 cups creamy peanut butter
2 lbs. confectioner's sugar (large bag)
4 T. milk (+ more, if needed)
salt (optional/to taste. i love reese's because they are salty. so i add lots of salt. don't get carried away and dump a shitload into your dough though. add it gradually. i know it's common sense, but some people don't have it--no offense. hehe)
white &/or milk chocolate coating (found near the chocolate chips, sometimes it's called 'bark')

if you forget or are lazy like i am and don't have the patience for room temperature butter, just zap it in the microwave for 12 second increments until soft. cream butter and peanut butter. gradually add confectioner's sugar, when dough gets difficult to stir, add milk a little at a time. once the dough comes together, knead it with your hands to make sure all the ingredients are mixed well. this is when you want to add salt if you want them to be...um...salty.

you will need two large wax paper lined cookie trays. be sure you have enough room in your freezer for these trays. scoop dough with a small ice cream scooper to get uniform size. you will then need to roll each scoop in your hands into the shape of an egg. place each egg on the wax paper. i usually get 32-35 eggs out of this dough. once you are done scooping, place the egg trays in the freezer to firm. keep them in there until you are ready to coat in chocolate.

melt the bark in a small saucepan on low, stirring constantly. once melted, put burner on simmer. if the heat is too high the bark will begin to get chunky and separate. believe me, it's ugly. take one tray of eggs from the freezer. loosen them from the wax paper and pile them up on one side. you will be using the same tray to lay the eggs on once they're coated, so you'll need the room. i hold the saucepan off of the burner in one hand and drop the eggs in (one at a time! two is one too many when doing this. it'll create egg chaos). using a tablespoon pour chocolate over the egg so it's fully coated. shake the pan as if you were popping popcorn to "smooth it out". remove the egg with the tablespoon, shake excess chocolate off, and place onto wax paper. repeat until finis (don't forget about that second tray in the freezer!). let chocolate set...this doesn't have to be done in the freezer. just leave them on the trays on the counter. be sure to keep an eye on them, they tend to disappear...and if you have overtly curious cats, well, you see where i'm going with that.

i use plain old cupcake liners to line these with. you can either share these with others or pig out at home and go into a diabetic coma. whatever. it's your choice! be sure you store them in an air-tight container in the 'fridge. you don't want them to melt on you.

ENJOY!

i ain't good looking but i'm someone's child

sara tagged me!


RULES OF THE GAME:
1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their 8 things and post these rules.

3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.

_____________________________________________

1. i fell down--hard--on my way back from william wallace's monument in stirling, scotland. i bust open my knee. shortly afterwards i started developing rheumatoid arthritis symptoms. i have it in my head that this fall is somehow connected to my RA. i know this sounds like some lame-o time life mysteries commercial, but i really do think there is a link. damn braveheart.
2. i really love to watch bob ross paint his happy little trees. he mesmerized me as a child.
3. i am scared to go out into the garage at night because: a. i fear that the siamese twin that was hanging out of the tall creepy dude who plays the tall creepy dude in most shows/movies in the freakshow episode of the x-files will crawl towards me and try to burrow into my stomach thus killing me, b. sara laughs from bag of bones will tap once for yes, twice for no and c. BTK is waiting to pounce.
4. my favorite scene of any movie EVER is the nipples of venus scene from amadeus--it's not as saucy as it sounds. if you guys ever see those candies, i want one and i will pay you for it!
5. i don't like to talk on the phone. i am really bad at returning phone calls. i won't even call close friends--i know, it's amazing i have close friends, right? :)
6. i want to climb up to machu picchu. i don't want to take the train, i want to do the hike even though i know it'll be hot and buggy and i'll get all sweaty and gross.
7. i don't like it when people get on the elliptical machine right next to me when there are 20 other empty ones across the room, even though i will do the same thing to someone if they are on the machines next to "mine".
8. i add numbers on license plates, house addresses, phone numbers, signs, etc. until i get down to one number.


i tag: anyone that reads this damn thing :) tee-hee. have fun. or don't. i don't care if you do it or not. i just like to talk about myself. aww yeah. $240 worth o'pudding...