sigh

living is easy with eyes closed...

i want a bean feast

i am continually disappointed in the whole "secret santa" game. every year upon opening my gift and discovering a level of suckatude i didn't think existed, i decree that "i will not be doing it next christmas"...and yet every christmas, i find myself drawing a name from that damnable hat. or cup. or bowl...ok...receptacle. i suppose the negativity takes away from the spirit of giving and of the season, but shit, i am tired of receiving crap gifts.

despite my misgivings, i do actually look forward to secret santa--i have a naive hope that the person who gets my name is as kick-ass a gift giver as i am--see, i can be an optimist. however, my name always tends to end up in the hands of someone who thinks a chia pet is a great present...you know, i've never actually received a chia pet. i did give one to my sister once, but she actually wanted it.

my gifts usually consist of garbage. i got a burned candle one year with the tell-tale black crayon price marking of a thrift store on the bottom of it--not that i am above thrift stores. nay, nay, i practically live in freakin' thrift stores, but when the price limit of a gift is $20, i expect a little more than a 75-cent used candle. hell, they sell new ones for less. fucker. another christmas i got a knockoff esprit sweatshirt with a masking tape price tag upon it (could you at least attempt to hide the fact you're giving me your yard sale rejects?) accompanied by a shower cap. yes. a shower cap. and yet another time (you see what a sucker i am?), i got THE WORST christmas gift of all: a damn ornament. who the hell thinks an ornament is an acceptable christmas present?!?! "gee, thanks for the tacky bauble i won't be able to use for an entire year." inevitably, it is some god-awful mechanical musical hot mess of a thing that will not see the tree the following year. it will see a thrift store and most likely end up in the hands of a serial bad gifter. and the cycle continues.

is it too hard to read what i wrote on "the list" (yes, i agree that a list is a little too veruca salt, but in my experience, people always insist on "the list" under the pretense that if your name is drawn by someone who doesn't know you well, then they have an idea of what to get for you. but it really is just the 'nice' way to attempt to prevent the shite gift syndrome. it's pointless for me though, because i still end up with the singing bass)?!?!

my suggestions for this year were clear (or so i thought):

starbucks
target
aeropostale

what did i get? a giftcard to FYE. i don't shop there. i hate that overpriced waste of space store. in fact, i don't think anybody shops there. it's always empty when i walk by it. there is a fucking starbucks every 10 feet in this city (in most citys, actually), and you couldn't drop in and get me a pound of coffee or a mug?!

sigh. i set myself up every year. i get all excited and convince myself my name won't end up with someone like the frozen dinner giving mom from better off dead or grandma from the ref ("slipper socks. MEDIUM!"). oh well. as far as i'm concerned, secret santa is a MF. maybe next year i'll draw my own name like kevin in the office.

we will meet in the place where there is no darkness

i'm tired of baking cookies. i just want to watch it's a wonderful life...and eat said cookies. my favorite scene of it's a wonderful life has always been the flashback of george in the pharmacy. not the ear-boxing child abuse scene (which is quite disturbing), but the ice cream and coconut scene. "you don't like coconut!?" i don't know why...perhaps it's my love of ice cream. i can't believe i don't own this movie. hint, hint. does anyone remember when every MF channel would play it for the entire month of december? it doesn't happen anymore. i noticed it a few years ago, but its gradual absence is sort of 1984-ish. now ABC or some other network plays it ONE night a year and that's it. i miss those days of 24-hour it's a wonderful life...even if some of the showings were the crap colorized versions. am i imagining this? it did happen, right?

kat von don't

watching la ink is like getting my teefs pulled. i can feel the dumb oozing through the TV. the funny thing is, i really enjoyed watching kat von d on miami ink, and found her endearing. but an hour's worth of kat von d is about an hour too much 'dude', 'rockin', 'stoked' and 'rad' for me. i guess i can only handle her in small doses (that, or she had really great edits on miami ink). she comes across as a self-involved whine-bag...i mean, how many pictures of yourself do you need in your gaudy tattoo shop? does the audience need to visit a plastic surgeon with your egotistical jem and the holograms wannabe ass? and as for the episodes, staged much? i mean, damn, i know most reality shows are staged, but la ink isn't trying to hide it at all. i keep giving it chances, but it's disappointing, dull and i can't handle her lame voice-overs. ugh.

i am standing up at the water's edge in my dream

caroline has been one of my best friends since 1988. i can't believe that i've known her for almost 20 years! i remember going to her house for the first time--it took me a while to get used to going over there because she is one of 9 children, so the house was always full of people. for those of you who don't already know, i am an extremely quiet introvert and crowds tend to make me nervous.

anyway, i love her family. they are so welcoming and very "together". i don't know how else to describe it, i'm sure there's another word out there for what i'm trying to express but it's lost on me at the moment. i've always been jealous of the relationship caroline and her family have. they're so close and they're always doing things, you know like family trips and dinners and stuff like that. it's just something my home life has always been lacking. i just wish my parents had been more involved in my extracurricular activities. oh, i know my parents love me and take care of me, but they never pushed me to do or be anything. some of the most common words out of my mom's mouth are: you need to find yourself a rich man. umm, ok, thanks for the bang-up advice. let's learn all about dependency.

i remember caroline talking about college back in the 8th grade, and that was the first time i actually thought about school beyond the 12th grade. i didn't understand what college was all about, but i do remember that i wanted to go to virginia tech, just because i had tagged along on a trip to pick up her brother from there one spring break. of course, i didn't end up at tech, i merely applied to ODU since i was scared shitless about leaving home. on the first day of classes, i dropped out. my parents didn't say anything to me about it. i wasn't reprimanded. i wasn't made to do anything. it amazes me that i was allowed to just throw away my future within 10 minutes of signing forms and no one, not even counselors at ODU or my damn parents seemed to notice! i remember feeling so lost. all of my friends were experiencing life in new cities and schools and i had no idea what the future held for me. it's sad, but sometimes i still feel that way. i don't want to be doing what i'm doing, but because of my dire need for health benefits, i feel stuck.

ugh. how did i end up whining? i just wanted to write about enjoying the causey's oyster roast last night! i guess i always feel exposed around successful people. i guess i'm ashamed of my career (or lack of one) and i really hate when people ask about it. but i know i'm the only one that can change my situation, and not the imaginary "rich man" my mother professes i need to find.

my favorite flavor, cherry red

i have a problem. i like jackets. i buy them often...usually from thrift stores, but still. how many coats does a person who lives in a city that hardly ever sees snow (or cold, it's almost thanksgiving and it only just got cold) need? my new obsession is this columbia jacket i tried on when i was trapped in a bass pro shop. yes, a bass pro shop. i felt very out of place. anyway, it's cherry red and orange and pretty and it's one of those 3 in 1 jobs. i want it.

eating chocolate cake in a bag

i was at the mall today and noticed the angel tree was up and i like to do the reach program at barnes and noble when i have the extra $. since it was payday yesterday, i did them both this morning. it takes me forever to pick out cute outfits for the angel tree, but the books are always easy. i just pick up where the sidewalk ends. but they had a great deal at b&n today--three hardcover classics for $20! i had to get some of my favorites: little women, anne of green gables and king arthur's tales.

i hope whomever gets these books will give them a chance and fall in love with the characters. i honestly don't know what kids like and don't like these days other than harry potter and hannah montana. it's sort of funny that i assume random child will enjoy the adventures of jo and laurie as much as i did.

p.s. the prednisone seems to be working! yay :)