the other day at work i was gripping something and a co-worker said: eww, what's that?!. i thought it was a bug, so i was frantically looking around until she pointed at my right middle finger and told me to bend it. so i attempted to make a fist (i can't make a complete fist with the right hand anymore) and sure enough, i discovered i have a finger nodule. so i studied my left hand and discovered one on my index finger. you know, i was content with my orencia infusions--even though it doesn't work as well as enbrel, but it's cheaper and that's why i take it instead--but now i'm worried.
i sat down and googled rheumatoid arthritis finger nodules today and found unsettling images of curled, deformed fingers and descriptions that included the words 'pop' and 'freeze'. my fingers do pop. i was just hoping that i would be a lucky one and not get the whole gnarly hands thing...i mean, that's the one thing i'm egotistical about. i have pretty hands. it's bad enough that i can barely write or draw anymore--so much so, that i choose 'debit' instead of 'credit' at stores so i don't have to be embarrassed at my poor attempt to grasp a pen and sign something in front of the customers in line behind me--but i don't want my hands to start twisting. i just hope that is not in the future for me, because i like to create things and it's hard to fucking create something when you can't use your hands.
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