i am standing up at the water's edge in my dream

caroline has been one of my best friends since 1988. i can't believe that i've known her for almost 20 years! i remember going to her house for the first time--it took me a while to get used to going over there because she is one of 9 children, so the house was always full of people. for those of you who don't already know, i am an extremely quiet introvert and crowds tend to make me nervous.

anyway, i love her family. they are so welcoming and very "together". i don't know how else to describe it, i'm sure there's another word out there for what i'm trying to express but it's lost on me at the moment. i've always been jealous of the relationship caroline and her family have. they're so close and they're always doing things, you know like family trips and dinners and stuff like that. it's just something my home life has always been lacking. i just wish my parents had been more involved in my extracurricular activities. oh, i know my parents love me and take care of me, but they never pushed me to do or be anything. some of the most common words out of my mom's mouth are: you need to find yourself a rich man. umm, ok, thanks for the bang-up advice. let's learn all about dependency.

i remember caroline talking about college back in the 8th grade, and that was the first time i actually thought about school beyond the 12th grade. i didn't understand what college was all about, but i do remember that i wanted to go to virginia tech, just because i had tagged along on a trip to pick up her brother from there one spring break. of course, i didn't end up at tech, i merely applied to ODU since i was scared shitless about leaving home. on the first day of classes, i dropped out. my parents didn't say anything to me about it. i wasn't reprimanded. i wasn't made to do anything. it amazes me that i was allowed to just throw away my future within 10 minutes of signing forms and no one, not even counselors at ODU or my damn parents seemed to notice! i remember feeling so lost. all of my friends were experiencing life in new cities and schools and i had no idea what the future held for me. it's sad, but sometimes i still feel that way. i don't want to be doing what i'm doing, but because of my dire need for health benefits, i feel stuck.

ugh. how did i end up whining? i just wanted to write about enjoying the causey's oyster roast last night! i guess i always feel exposed around successful people. i guess i'm ashamed of my career (or lack of one) and i really hate when people ask about it. but i know i'm the only one that can change my situation, and not the imaginary "rich man" my mother professes i need to find.

my favorite flavor, cherry red

i have a problem. i like jackets. i buy them often...usually from thrift stores, but still. how many coats does a person who lives in a city that hardly ever sees snow (or cold, it's almost thanksgiving and it only just got cold) need? my new obsession is this columbia jacket i tried on when i was trapped in a bass pro shop. yes, a bass pro shop. i felt very out of place. anyway, it's cherry red and orange and pretty and it's one of those 3 in 1 jobs. i want it.

eating chocolate cake in a bag

i was at the mall today and noticed the angel tree was up and i like to do the reach program at barnes and noble when i have the extra $. since it was payday yesterday, i did them both this morning. it takes me forever to pick out cute outfits for the angel tree, but the books are always easy. i just pick up where the sidewalk ends. but they had a great deal at b&n today--three hardcover classics for $20! i had to get some of my favorites: little women, anne of green gables and king arthur's tales.

i hope whomever gets these books will give them a chance and fall in love with the characters. i honestly don't know what kids like and don't like these days other than harry potter and hannah montana. it's sort of funny that i assume random child will enjoy the adventures of jo and laurie as much as i did.

p.s. the prednisone seems to be working! yay :)

every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings

it's been a while since i've been on here. it's not like i'm not on the computer every day. i'm just lazy. and i get distracted by the fluffiness of cuteoverload.com. anyway, i went to see dr. denio about my gi-normous knuckles yesterday. he said it was a flare-up of my RA. i have to take a blister pack of prednisone for a few weeks and had to change my methotrexate from pill form to injection form. self injection, that is. it's not that bad. i've given myself shots before. i used to be on enbrel and the methotrexate shots before, it's just i have to overcome that psychological fear of sticking myself with a needle again.

anyway, it's almost thanksgiving. joy. does anyone ever have that perfect holiday season that target and walmart shill on their uber-trendy commercials? i mean, i'm sold on the idea--i've always imagined that one day i'd have this huge brick house full of friends and family with all the trimmings and the food and the gifts and the snow and the laughter and the sense of togetherness. i want the hallmark-norman rockwell-holiday inn (sans black-face!) christmas. i want to find zuzu's petals in my pocket. i want to feel what i feel when i listen to judy garland or nat king cole sing those festive songs. i've never had it...not even when i was little. i don't think it exists, but it's nice to pretend...at least i'm almost done with christmas shopping.